29 things that happen while you are pregnant

  1. You’ll have a hot flash in front of someone important to your career success and you’ll be mortified because you don’t want sympathy because damnit EQUALITY but also, is this my actual hell?
  2. You’ll insist your husband set up the nursery in one room (which he will) and then once it’s all set up you’ll decide it needs to go in the other room (which it does).
  3. On a similar note, you’ll consider selling your house because the market is GREAT right now… but will hold off because you don’t want to disassemble the crib… again.
  4. You’ll cry because someone in your office ordered lunch and you have not eaten lunch yet. Hopefully you get to experience this privately and not in a cubicle.
  5. You’ll also cry on your dog’s birthday because you love him so much and you wonder if you’ll celebrate his birthdays after the baby is born.
  6. You’ll yell at your husband for eating the raisin bran. He will be sorry but not that sorry.
  7. You will tell your mother she is a horrible mother because you’re afraid you might be a horrible mother and then you’ll cry and realize just how great she is and always has been and that we’re all just doing the best we can and can we give each other a break once in a damn while?
  8. You will want to buy all of the baby clothes… but you won’t because you are fiscally responsible and on a budget and setting a good example for future generations and you’ll walk out of the store on some moral high ground and then you’ll go online and buy all of the baby clothes anyway.
  9. You will swear all of the AC everywhere you go is broken.
  10. You will wish your tummy was bigger and then it will get bigger and you will wish it wasn’t so big but then the baby will kick you and you’ll be so glad he’s growing you’ll forget why you ever wished it was smaller.
  11. People will stare at you. A lot. This is a real thing. Very weird.
  12. You will run into someone you don’t know with your stomach OR you will get stuck between an aisle and a display case in Target. One of these will happen but probably not both.
  13. You’ll get a leg cramp that feels like certain death at 3AM but your husband does that thing where he pulls your foot back and it goes away and you swear THIS is the reason you married him.
  14. You’ll buy a snoogle. You’ll tell everyone you know about the snoogle.
  15. You will ask your husband things that he doesn’t have answers to like “WHY IS IT SO HOT OUT?!” (you’ll ask this a lot) or “why are there so many bumps in this road?!” or “Why is all of my hair falling out?”
  16. You will sign up for way too many baby classes, pay for them, want to back out, but go anyway and end up actually enjoying them.
  17. You will get a spray tan and immediately feel a little less pregnant and a little bit prettier.
  18. You’ll sit down in the shower…on the floor… for way too long… because #exhaustion.
  19. You’ll feel a mix of overwhelming gratitude for the ability to nurture and carry a baby and just the slightest bit of resentment that your husband doesn’t have to. But really you know it’s for the best and you’re not that mad at him because lawd knows he would not take his vitamins…
  20. You’ll develop a newfound respect for your husband’s patience (you will walk a lot slower…. and complain significantly more often)
  21. You’ll put on earrings and then take them off because WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HEAVY.
  22. You’ll try on a shirt that fit yesterday and it will not button. You’ll get mad and buy a million maternity shirts on ASOS (none of which will fit). You’ll return them all and end up buying this blanqi support tank top because #desperation and all the cool pregnant girls on instagram have them but $72 for a TANK TOP ARE YOU KIDDING ME…. but you will LOVE IT SO MUCH and you will thank GOD you own this tank top when you are sitting at your desk all day or walking around and need the support. Also, it always fits #wortheverypenny.
  23. You’ll go to a wedding and be the only sober person within a 5 mile radius and you will want to lay down in the parking lot or anywhere away from anyone but you WON’T you will DANCE ALL NIGHT because you are a team player and sometimes you make sacrifices for the people you love. It will also end up being really fun.
  24. You’ll go to a million doctors appointments and hold your breath every time they weigh you. You’ll also always take off your shoes like it will matter (it won’t).
  25. You’ll promise never to take getting off the couch easily for granted again. ever.
  26. You’ll feel a little embarrassed about asking for help doing things which I guess is probably good for you because pregnancy isn’t an illness and YOU ARE FINE but also, sometimes… help is nice and people like helping you so LET THEM.
  27. You’ll buy baby wash and test it out in the bath (for safety ok!!!?!) and love every second of smelling like an infant and wonder if you ever smelled anything more perfect in your entire life.
  28. You will complain about something that is actually complaint worthy and then immediately feel what I imagine is similar to mom guilt (? tbd) because you know how lucky you are to be able to grow this tiny little human in your body.
  29. You’ll write a list of all of the things that have happened during your pregnancy and hope that it gives some other pregnant momma an opportunity to say “oh thank god, me too.”


xo, kelye.

3 Replies to “29 things that happen while you are pregnant”

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